A Parable.

Salesman: “Hey, I’ve got this great new house for sale. Want to buy it?”

Customer: “Um, it looks like a fine house, but I’m happy with the one I have now so no thanks.”

Salesman: “But wait — I stole all your stuff and put it in this new house! NOW do you want to buy the new one?”

Customer: “…”

I will admit that I had high hopes for the Smart Cover before it arrived on my desk, but I’m sorry to say that it has not quite lived up to its Magical, Revolutionary promises.

First, the good points: this product easily meets or exceeds the high standards of design, engineering and build quality that we have come to expect from Apple. The polyurethane material is very flexible between segments, and each segment itself wraps smoothly around a rigid interior that gives the entire device a sturdy feel and clean shape. The back is covered in microfiber cloth, with perhaps a bit less nap than I had expected but still luxurious.

The hinge is strong, as is its attachment to the polyurethane cover, and it appears to be manufactured to very precise tolerances. The hinge mechanism itself moves smoothly without ever appearing weak or flimsy.

Inside the hinge and the interior plates are powerful and well-aligned magnets that easily support the Smart Cover’s weight against a wide variety of steel surfaces. When the cover is rolled up, the magnets help hold it into a tight and stable triangle.

All of this is just fine, but the product seems to be missing one key component that I have come to expect in every Apple product: utility. What an I supposed to do with this device? How will it improve my life and work?

It is decorative, I suppose. (I chose the green polyurethane, which is pleasant if a bit lighter in shade than I would like.) It might also serve to hold large papers against my refrigerator. It may also be useful for erasing floppy discs (remember those?) or demagnetizing credit cards (which you should be shredding before disposal, making demagnetization superfluous). But none of these functions seems to justify the price tag, or the hype with which Apple launched this product.

Typically, Apple’s minimal documentation does not provide much help in suggesting how I might use this thing. As with most new Apple products, either you get it or you don’t. I guess I don’t get it.

Maybe I’ll feel differently about the Smart Cover in a couple of weeks, when Apple finally ships me my iPad 2.

Okay, I’ve learned my lesson. Never again will I watch a movie on the TV Guide Channel.

First of all: A movie? On the TV Guide Channel? Yeah, I too was surprised when TiVo came up with that. But sure enough, they show movies on the TV Guide channel. Which means that the movie appears in a weird little upper-two-thirds letterbox, while the bottom of the screen shows a rolling grid that says “Here’s a bunch of BETTER stuff you could be watching!”

Second, and more important: There are some things you DO NOT DO when showing movies on TV. Foremost is, you DO NOT show Some Kind of Wonderful and cut out the closing credits, or cover them with a promo for another program. THIS IS SIMPLY NOT DONE.

There is a way this is supposed to happen. a RIGHT way this is supposed to happen:

(SPOILER WARNING if you’ve been in a coma since 1987)

• Keith gives Watts the diamond earrings he got back from Amanda.
  
  
• Watts says, “How do they look?”
  
  
• Keith says, “You look good wearing my future.”
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lick the Tins have started their heartfelt and beautiful cover of “Can’t Help Falling in Love,” which plays out until the very end of the credits.
  
  
• Watts and Keith walk away down the street. Together.
  
  
• I wipe something out of the corner of my eye, and growl at no one in particular: “What? No, I am NOT crying. That’s stupid. Shut up.”

That is how it is done. Every time this movie is shown. This is NON-NEGOTIABLE. TV Guide Channel, you are on notice.